I wonder....

So for the longest time, I didn't even dare write this. I mean... could I really say it out loud and have it make sense?

Would it come across silly?
Supernatural?
Is it even possible?

No matter what... I've decided I want this documented... just in case anything comes of it.

So let's go back to November. The first two weeks of November to be exact. This is the middle of my crazy time of year. The time of year when I have so much on my mind. This is when I am preparing for our huge 3000+ parent Christmas program at our school. In the middle of the busiest time of year for me with so many details, songs, CD's, TV crews, props, motions, choreography and on top of both of our general teaching, conferences, and Thanksgiving.... there was a special tug on our hearts. Something I can't explain. And it wasn't just me... Jeff felt it too. In fact, we both commented on it. What was going on? For me, it was an ache. A daily ache to hold our daughter in our arms. A feeling of anxiety almost bordering on obsession. She was all we talked about, all we thought about, all we blogged about. She was the first word on our lips in the morning and the last when we went to bed. What was going on?

At the time, I thought this was part of the emotional rollercoaster of adoption that I had seen other adoptive families struggle through. I thought this was part of the ups and downs we would experience. At the time, I figured it was just a phase. I thought it was just one of the lows and highs we would continue to experience. The thing is... I haven't felt that way since. The sense of almost urgency hasn't returned. Yes... I think of our dear daughter everyday. As I rock our youngest at night, I imagine rocking her. When I get Kolby dressed, I glance at the little dresses hanging in the closet. I dream of her and pray about her and can't wait for her to come home. But the feeling is different.

So... this is when I stopped and asked myself... could it be possible? Could something monumental have happened during those two weeks of November? Could she have possibly been born sometime during that time? Could her mother have had to make that difficult decision?

I started counting the months... one... two.. three.. four... five. Five months that she would be placed up for domestic adoption. Then at five months, she will be eligible for international adoption. IF she had been truly born the first week of November, that would bring us to the first week in April. We have been told to "probably" expect our referral between March and May. Hmmm......

Maybe its nothing. Maybe it simply is the rollercoaster of adoption... and this date will end up being completely insignificant... but just maybe God has already started tying our heartstrings together... even across thousands of miles.

I wonder....

We will just wait and see....