Unconditional Love

I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time, but I just didn't know the right words to convey it. I'm sure I still won't have the words quite right, but I'm going to give it a try.

One little word has been on my mind lately...
Love...

I remember the moment I gave birth to my oldest son and they laid him on me. I cried tears of joy. I remember watching him sleep and crying with the overwhelming love that seemed to overtake me. I would have done anything for this innocent, helpless little boy...

Three years later when I was pregnant with our second son, I also knew I loved the tiny baby growing inside me. But I wondered if I would love him as much as our first son. I mean... would I have enough love for BOTH of them? My Mom laughed at me when I voiced my concerns. She took my hands, looked me in the eyes and said "yes... you will have enough love for BOTH of them." But I had my doubts. How could I possibly love him as much as I loved our first son?

Then the day came when I stared into his beautiful blue eyes and heard his first gasp of air, his first cry and my heart swelled so much I thought it would burst. I fell so deeply in love with this precious little boy. Mom was right... there was enough love for BOTH of them. I didn't have to take any love away, or divide it up into even portions.... somehow it had magically multiplied. Somehow my heart had grown and held enough love for both of my precious boys.

There was one more day that would change my life.... the day when I first saw our precious daughter's picture. I knew in my heart I already loved her. I had loved her before I even saw her. A part of my heart was waiting for her. I knew I would love her, but I just didn't realize how much. I had read so many stories of other adoptive families who had loved their new children, but that it had taken time to really "feel" that love. Bringing home a brand new child takes a lot of adjustment and sometimes those "feelings" aren't there right away. I appreciated the raw honesty of these adoptive families who shared these real feelings and I tried to prepare for this as well. Being that this was our first adoption, I didn't know how my heart would react. Would it feel the same as if I had given birth to her or would it take awhile for the love to grow? Would I feel like her real mother right away, or would I feel like a stranger to her as if I were just babysitting? Would I love her even if she didn't love me, or worse hated me? How long would it be before I felt like she was truly mine? All of these questions haunted me at night. So many doubts. So many questions. I love babies, but babies are... well... messy. They drool and pee and poop and spit up and have snot and boogers and... truthfully, I don't do other baby drool and other baby poopies very well unless they are my own. Baby bodily secretions are just well... kind of gross... even from babies I love like my dearest nephews. So I wondered... how would I feel about HER drool and spit ups and poops. These were the questions that swirled through my head.

That was before.

That was before I held her in my arms for the first time... before I gazed into her beautiful almond eyes... before I touched my lips to her soft cheeks... In that instant, my heart gave birth to her!! I literally felt it stretch and the love that was there for my boys multiplied again and overflowed. I just couldn't stop watching her and staring at her and holding her and smelling her and kissing her. How could I have this same love that I had for my boys? Was it possible? How was it possible that immediately I was wiping drool and sharing spoons and changing diapers and it wasn't bothering me in the least? How was it possible that the first time she gave me that big wet open mouthed kiss that landed drool all over my face that I wanted to freeze time and have her do it over and over? How was it possible that my heart actually hurt just looking at her sleeping... knowing I would do ANYTHING for this innocent, helpless little girl...

I don't know how its possible, but I love this little girl just as much as if I would have given birth to her. In fact, there are times when I am rocking her to sleep, when I am staring down at the little eyelashes that frame her closed eyes, that I forget she did not grow in my tummy. I forget that she does not look exactly like me. I forget that she has not always been here, a part of this family from the beginning. Love is amazing. It is unconditional and yes... it does grow and multiply perfectly into the most overwhelming, beautiful emotion in the world. My heart is filled with the perfect love of not one, not two, but three beautiful children, an incredible husband who loves all three just as much as I do, and an amazing Father above who has adopted me into His family too and loves me more... yes... more than even I can love my own... I don't know how that is possible, but seeing the love I have for Adelyn has really opened my eyes to the love God has for me. All I know is one thing... love is from God and I thank Him everyday for giving me this precious girl to love.